Friday, April 30, 2004
'All This Time I've Been a Face in The Crowd; Now I am Living in Color and Laughing Out Loud.' -Shawn Colvin
I'm having to get a newspaper done for one of our college projects, I'll have to do that plus an intranet. It's a pretty cool project, it evolves around a company who's having troubles communicating with both their internal and external public. We have to come out with measures to solve that. Oh and they're also going through an 'image crises'... kinda like what McDonald's going through... fun fun fun!
Word of the day:
Gourmand - Pronunciation: /gor-MOND/
n: a person who enjoys good food but tends to overeat
"After bolting down my dinner, I realized I was a gourmand - not a gourmet."
#11: 'Always moving feet or hands. They are the individuals who have 'angry' feet, turning around in their work chairs, or always with busy hands, getting objects, drawing on papers, or even messing with their clothes or hair.'
Couldn't find a better way to describe myself! I am in fact known as the one with 'angry' (hehehe) feet. It's been a conversation piece in many awkward and embarrassing situations, oh and in boring ones to. I don't notice it, and when I do it was probably because someone brought it up... then it's too late, there we go again having to hear about it and about how 'nha nha nha' I am. It doesn't bother me. I use my hands when I talk. They do a lot of the communication part for me. I wonder if that's why I have this urge to learn sign language. I'm always drawing, or rather scribbling around... it's a danger to have open books in front of me. I don't mess with my clothes that much, I'd say I'm pretty normal in that aspect. As to my hair, well, these bangs ahem...
Sunflower seeds in a bird feeder will attract the greatest variety of wild birds.
Thursday, April 29, 2004
'How Quick Come The Reasons For Approving What We Like!' -Jane Austen
I've just now noticed how college becomes our second family kinda thing. It's like my old school, there's no better place to feel loved than there... even with all the little things it was like a 2nd family, and college has been working around the same lines.-> You have a crappy day, you go to college, you get a smile on your face and that was the best day ever! I'm not exaggerating.
I don't know if I've mentioned how I ended up at this college, I don't think I have so... I wanted to major in media arts and animation, I had picked out a college (one of the best art colleges in Sao Paulo), and had focused simply on going to that college. They have several departments and the art campus was really far from home, except for they were finishing to build a new one near home and the arts department was gonna be there... it was perfect, I'd graduate form school and go right into college. Well, it ends up things don't quite work my way and they weren't gonna transfer the art department till next semester. Grrrrr. I had a plan B but it was pretty stupid actually. I tried for my second college option. In that college they didn't have media arts and animation, but they had digital design, which was also something I'd like to do. It just so happens that once again the art campus was real far from home, and they'd have classes at night. This would mean that in order for me to go to that college I'd have to live with grandma, leaving mom to live on her own. That wouldn't work. Also to top it all off that college was waaaay toooo expensive. No way Hosay. Dang it, I become a couch potato... no school to go to, I just sit at home. (Phew I'm glad it's over cuz I hated it!). Six months later when time comes to apply to college I still can't go to my first option college cuz they hadn't moved yet. Well, there I am feeling like scum not knowing what to do when mom comes and say's 'hey Nash I saw this college ad somewhere that I think you would very much enjoy, why don't you take a look at it?' - I didn't have much of a choice there... it was either going to that college or sit for six more months, which really, wasn't an option! I chose a major that mom had suggested me to take a look at (she thought it had all to do with me) I swear I didn't even read what it was. I applied and got in, no goals, no nothing. I was freaking disappointed and I didn't wanna be there. That was it. -- Now, I'm so very happy and grateful for everything having gone wrong before, cuz now I know that this was really the right/best option, and that in reality if my will had been done, that would've been the wrong way out! I'm not so sure of what my major is called in English; in Portuguese it's Comunicacao Empresarial... I love it. Mom was right; it has all to do with me.
I got my book back. Now we'll start with the second group: Physical And/Or Mental Hyperactive ness.
#10: 'Has a Hard Time Having to Sit For Too Long. During a Talk or Movie Session Moves A lot in an Attempt at Staying Quiet.'
-Yeah that's me. I'll sit up, slide in my seat, cross my legs, lean on my hands, sit up again, and so forth...
Laptop computers and briefcases falling from the overhead bins onto passengers' heads may be the most common accident aboard an airplane.
Being bored in class. Despite my demonstration of 'love' towards college a few lines above, school yesterday was really boring! - It ends up we have to come up with solutions to entertain ourselves, and this is what we got. Rafa was the mastermind behind this... they're document pictures, that's why we look yucky... hihihi I love it!
Wednesday, April 28, 2004
'You Can Forgive Others For What They did to You, But You Can't Forgive Others For What They Did to Others.' -Jewish Proverb
Ya know I watched this film/documentary on prejudice, specifically racism towards colored people. Wow, it's darn good... pretty touching. It's called 'Blue Eyed People' I think... More on it later.
I can't do my DDA analysis for the day cuz Eliza has my book.
I'm at my aunt's. I'll live here for almost a month next month cuz mom is going to the U.S.
I'm so tired. Today we went to this publisher to get an article done on our crafts website... it was pretty cool, the first time I did that.
It wasn't me on that last post... in case you might not have noticed.
I'm heading to college now... I actually gotta run. For whatever reason I always end up late on Wednesday’s. The teacher say's I have a digital brain although my being tardy every class makes me look like I have an analog one!
So long.
Monday, April 26, 2004
Today was really fun.
I got out of bed really early because my mom was yelling at me.
I feel good because today I getting my lip pierced! Finally! Mom said I could and she's signed the forms and EVERYTHING!
I'm so angry. Paul is grounded. AGAIN! And I'm not allowed to see him. EVER. It's just NOT FAIR. I hate my mom and I wish she was dead. This wouldn't happen if I was allowed to live with dad.
Last night I had to shave my entire body. Apparently, the lice that I caught from Amanda's friend are really hard to get rid of. I look quite strange with no hair and eyebrows. I'd post pictures, but my webcam is broken.
I want to tell the world that I'm gay.
I am sharpening my knives before I go to work today, because I'm going to cut out Robert's heart and feed it to him for losing my mail.
Today, I got a digital camera! Yes! Here's ten thousand photographs of my cat.
I want to say thanks to the world for absolutely fucking nothing! You all suck. I feel so alone, no one ever reads this journal, or even comments to let me know that I'm not suffering alone. It's cold here, and I want to die, but I cannot figure out how many of you to take with me when I go.
I went to the doctor yesterday, and he said I have a terrible skin disease which prevents me from coming into contact with other human beings. And bipolar disorder.
You should all do this quiz! It's amazingly accurate. You just put in your name and birthday, and it will tell you you're a moron.
That's enough for now. But I'll leave you with this thought - sharing your life with strangers on the internet is the cheapest form of therapy available. Leave a comment and tell me I'm beautiful.
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Sunday, April 25, 2004
'After a Certain Number of Years, Our Faces Become Our Biographies." -Cynthia Ozick
#9: 'Often interrupts chores not taking them till the end. An ADD rarely reads an entire article in a magazine, or listens to an entire cd.'
That's right, I never read an article in a magazine word for word. Or I might the first half and then skim read (or not even that) the rest of it. On the other hand however, I'll listen to a cd over and over again. I'll stick it in the cd player, push repeat, and listen to it all night long. Unless my main objective is listen to music, usually the act of 'listening to music' is set to the back, and I don't really pay attention to what's being played, which is why I can listen to a cd fifteen hundred times. But that's when I'm concentrated on whatever it is that I have to do, otherwise the music serves me as an escape valve and I actually need it to be in a continuous changing pattern so that I can release that 'tension' that surrounds me. Or so I was told.
This was it for the attention instability group. 9 out of 9.
I have to do my laundry and the weather isn't coping. Stupid dryer had to brake. Now I'm stuck having to wear weird-never-worn-unless-in-emergency-situation clothes.
I need a sweater, I'm kinda cold.
I just had lunch... a little desert would do me some good. I'll go look for that.
Saturday, April 24, 2004
'Don't Try to Fight The Feeling, Cuz The Thought Alone is Killing me Right Now...'
Dang, tell me about it! Feelings are hard to beat.
Yesterday I spent the day with my aunt. Both mom and aunt are into weaving at the moment, so we spent the day going after wool and other stuff related to that. Actually it all started when we went to the big crafts fair they had just last month, or rather the beginning of this month. We walked by this guy with a loom who was weaving a very pretty scarf - they liked it so bad that out of extreme compulsiveness they ended buying one for each, and now it's all they talk about! Don't be fooled by the thought that they're the only ones in this... they actually convinced two other friends to embark in this new adventure as well! I kinda like... it doesn't seem all to very complicated, I just don't like the idea of having to set it up.
I started reading a book about people with ADD. Fun.
#8: 'Has a hard time dealing with obliged activities that last long. Having to stay focused in a talk where the subject isn't very appealing might be a burden.'
I'll start moving around in my seat. Fall asleep (or try not to). Shake my leg & BITE MY NAILS. - When I'm told to do something I don't wanna do, I'll find every possible obstacle to keep me from doing it... bad mood will reign over me, and it'll seem like the world is forming a conspiracy against me... Murphy's law shall reign, and every thing will go wrong!
Today mom and i went to a Ploymer Clay Guild meeting. It was pretty fun. Then we went to my aunt's so that she could drive us somewhere (she just got a car and she's freaking scared of driving it - and has nowhere to go with it since she works at home... so she keeps inviting people (like mom and i) to drive around and take to a restaurant or something!)... so that was it for that. Then mom and i went grocery shopping and had lunch at Mc Donalds.
Now i'm just sitting here. Talking to people on msn and feeling extremely irresponsible for not doing anything better with my time (not that talking to them is a waste of my time, but i do have work to do).
Friday, April 23, 2004
'I Asked Why She Took Her Pants Down That Day, Whether Somebody Had Dared Her to And I Just Didn't Remember. The Answer She Gave Remains The Truest to Who She Was And Who I Then So Much Needed Her to Be: "Because I Could, I Guess," She Said. "Wasn't Anybody Around to Stop Me."'
OK we have this big project in college to get done, I like it. 6 People in our group (Me, Rafa, Eliza, Debby, Lili, Izaura, Aline). We've got it all planned out, and we're thinking big!
#7: 'Hyper-focus (intense concentration in a specific subject in a given time). A DDA can stay hours in front of the computer without noticing what's happening around him'
I definitely can! When it's something I like, you betcha, I'll be there all day long if I can! Especially when I'm working with the computer (Photoshop) I'll sit there and stay there... I swear that I'll forget to eat and go to the bathroom.
Awwwww so sweet Rafa brought me a little gift yesterday! So nice of him... he gave me a cool book.
Thursday, April 22, 2004
'I Specifically Recall One Lady Saying She Wouldn't Let Her Husband Touch Her Pocketbook (A Word I'd Somehow Always Known Was a Euphemism For Pussy) Till He'd Bought Her a Dishwasher.' -Mary Karr
It's amazing how the chilly weather won't last in this country -- beautiful blue sky and the sun shining bright.
#6: Usually commits a few pronunciation or reading errors. Forgets a word in the middle of a phrase or pronounces wrongly long words such as "cineangiocoronariografia".
Dang who wouldn't pronounce that word wrong?! I'll sometimes trip on my tongue and pronounce things weirdly, but I've always blamed it on the fact that I'm bilingual and that that could be causing a little short circuit problem in my brain. I guess I was wrong! One thing I do too too much is mix both English and Portuguese, now I'm assuming that happens because I'll think of a word in English and try to say it in Portuguese... don't ask me why but I'll do that all the time, and because of that I'll end up saying some pretty funny things actually.
I started reading this book by Mary Karr called 'Cherry', it's a memoir and I like it so far...pretty funny. I usually enjoy books on other people's lives...
I feel like eating chocolate so bad. Now, that's one of those things mother never bought. Our cupboards are empty (just like they always were).
I seriously need junk food.
Wednesday, April 21, 2004
I feel wonderfully well as I type to Norah Jones singing in the back, comfortably tucked in my baby blue cotton soft pj's, treating myself to some delicious chocolate chip cookies and a cup of milk, right after an everlasting, pleasurably hot bath-tub (with bubbles) relaxation time!
Wow, haven't felt this good in ages. The cloudy dark sky, and the beautiful cadenced dance performed by the trees as the wind blows, sets the mood to an ongoing feeling of love, peace and joy.
Once I'm done posting this I'm heading to my room with a nice book in hands, I'll entertain myself as I dwell in the life and stories of the main character till my brain is exhausted and my eyes can no longer bare staring at that brownish paperback book. I'll crash. Then, I'll dream dreams of all kinds. From north to south, from east to west I'll conquer the universe with a beautiful smile, 'fly around the world in a beautiful balloon', I'll be free. Free. Just free.
No, i'll be free and happy. Simple pleasures.
Wow, haven't felt this good in ages. The cloudy dark sky, and the beautiful cadenced dance performed by the trees as the wind blows, sets the mood to an ongoing feeling of love, peace and joy.
Once I'm done posting this I'm heading to my room with a nice book in hands, I'll entertain myself as I dwell in the life and stories of the main character till my brain is exhausted and my eyes can no longer bare staring at that brownish paperback book. I'll crash. Then, I'll dream dreams of all kinds. From north to south, from east to west I'll conquer the universe with a beautiful smile, 'fly around the world in a beautiful balloon', I'll be free. Free. Just free.
No, i'll be free and happy. Simple pleasures.
"Feeling Tired
By The Fire
The Long Day is Over
The Wind is Gone
Asleep at Dawn
The Embers Burn on
With no Reprise
The Sun Will Rise
The Long Day is Over."
-Norah Jones
By The Fire
The Long Day is Over
The Wind is Gone
Asleep at Dawn
The Embers Burn on
With no Reprise
The Sun Will Rise
The Long Day is Over."
-Norah Jones
'I Had Rather be The Cause of Her Laughter, Than of Her Tears. -Caroline Lamb
Last night Rafa was in a car crash. Thankfully nothing really happened to him (other than a big debt in his bank account now!).
I checked up the prices for the Gloria Gaynor concert... sheeeesh I don't know if I'll be going to that, it's too expensive.
#5: 'Tendency to interrupt others. In the middle of a conversation remembers something and blurts it out before the other person concludes his/her thought.'
Dang this sounds rude! When in a interesting, 'fun' conversation I have this somewhat sickening habit of interrupting others. Usually when I'm immersed in what's being said...but not like, I'll rudely interrupt a teacher or something! Also, the way it happens 'redeems' me from being nagged upon, as usually it's in a good humored environment and I'm probably interrupting them to joke about something.
Wow, there are so many things still to be learned. It's amazing, no matter how updated and well-informed I think I am, it's nothing but a thought! I'm always behind...
'There is Nothing so Catching as Refinement.' -Emily Eden
Ya know, I think my feet are so ugly! My toes, ick!
Yesterday I called Ju in an attempt to go to Super Six (sports tournament). It was a great idea! Today is a holiday, no one works or studies so it'd be perfect to travel over there, but she thought it was a crazy idea... humpf!
I have nothing to do... or say... I'll be back!
Tuesday, April 20, 2004
'Just Wait. I'm More Than Glad to Have People Underestimate What We Can Do!' -Microsoft (with the whole Google Situation)
Good news, good news! I got the job! Yay! The interview went great, I talked, and joked, and asked, and laughed, and best of all: got the job!
The lady was just so satisfied with me, and with what I had to say. In June I'll go into training and in august I'll start working. It's kind of stupid but, I forgot to ask about money stuff, so really, I don't even know how much I'll get paid! Hahaha
#4: 'Frequently forgets what was going to say when in a conversation. One is explaining something and all of the sudden forgets what was gonna say.'
I'm a very forgetful person when it comes to saying all that's in my mind during a conversation. The thoughts are many and the willingness to say it all is big, the excitement is overwhelming... as a consequence I forget what I was gonna say! Hehehe Oh man I have a good story to share! The other day I was heading to the mall, I wanted to go to the movies so I took the subway... I don't know what in the world happened to me and what the heck was I thinking about that all of the sudden I couldn't remember where I was, and worse of all, where I was going to! Hehehe it was so funny... I swear I had to stop right there where I was, open up my back-pack, and grab the movie schedule that I had (it has an address), then I went to one of the workers and asked him to help me find my way. I felt so stupid though cuz the mall was right in front of me, and yet I couldn't remember how or where to go! Weird.
I had such a good day yesterday! I was all happy and bubbly.
I just had an idea! Hmm I like it... I'll share it with ya soon. Dude, I need a background for this blog... it's too plain this way.
Nossa I so didn't know this! -> The kings in a deck of cards each represent a great king from history. The king of spades is King David, the king of clubs is Alexander the Great, the king of hearts is Charlemagne, and the king of diamonds is Julius Caesar. Wow.
Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery!
Monday, April 19, 2004
"Beloved it is Morn! A Redder Berry on The Thorn, a Deeper Yellow on The Corn, For This Good Day New-Born! -Emily Hickey
Hmm I'm happy today!
#3: 'Daily disorganization. Tends to loose objects (keys, cell phone, pens, papers) being late for meetings or forgetting them.'
I'm pretty disorganized, but I can always find myself within my own 'messy-ness'! It doesn't bother me at all. I don't loose papers that much, I have a folder where I keep all of my papers...some would say that that folder is pretty messy, (it has no labels nor nothing, I just jam everything in there!) but I say, it keeps me organized! So it's good, it serves it's purpose. On the other hand my room is complete chaos! But I'll tell ya...if my mom doesn't care about it, neither will I that's for sure! I usually loose pens tho...I used to blame it on my jansport cuz it has a tiny whole in the front pocket, but I'm starting to think that it's actually me! I have an agenda so that I won't forget about meetings and stuff, with a mom working at Franklin Covey who would dare not show up in time for a meeting?!!
Last night I spoke to Tephie on msn, it was all very apologetic. That's good. (For a moment there i thought we weren't gonna become 70 year old friends knitting together on our rocking chairs!) Phew...
I'm off to that job interview in just a few minutes, once again wish me luck...although if you did wish me luck last time, it didn't do me much good! No offense whatsoever.
I might be going to the movies today, or at least I hope so. It's been a while so, more than fair...
I have this huge project for college to get done. Ten (extremely complex and huge) papers (excerpts from actual texts) that I have to analyze and all that crap... good news is, I just finished two of them! Yay! So much joy for all the work that's still to come...
Before I depart I shall leave ya with a little FYI: 'There are about 3,000 hot dog vendors in metropolitan New York.'
Sunday, April 18, 2004
'Question: If you could live forever, would you and why? Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever," -Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.'
'Has a hard time paying attention to someone else when they're talking. In a conversation you usually capture bits and pieces of what's being said.'
Yep. This sounds horrible, but sometimes my imagination is just so much more exciting than the person who's sitting in front of me saying a whole bunch of stuff! Hahaha truthfuly. I don't do it on purpose tho...my concentration span is just so short, plus, sometimes it's just something that was said that makes me go somewhere else in thought. Or if we're in a crowded place (college for instance)...a weirdo standing behind the person whom I'm staring at might catch my attention and then...well, then I'm gone thinking about that guy!
But don't worry I'm listening...what was it that you just said?!! Hehehe I'm not that bad. In fact, I like listening to people, it's just that sometimes I don't catch every single word that they say!
It's quite strange actually...come to think about it...people like to tell me stuff! In school I remember knowing gossip of every kind, cuz people would come to me and complain/cry/open up their hearts...I guess I might transmit trust...or something around those lines (despite the fact that I knew stuff, I was not the kind who would spread the word...so I was, I guess, trustworthy. -I still am actually! I'd say anyone thinks that of themselves, but we're not gonna get into that!) Anyways kind of weird to have people come to you, when really you don't pay attention to them...not like they know it tho, and not like you don't pay any attention! Oh whatever...!!
Gloria Gaynor is coming to Brazil. I'd like to go to her concert...dude, how old is she?! Dang I'd never imagine that she'd be touring around! I'm not a big fan but it's one of those situations where you go to their concert cuz they're old! Ya know, sooner or later they'll die and then you'll be able to say 'I went to their concert', and people will think that that's awesome and their little eyes will sparkle as they look at you and inquire to hear about their last concert! Hahaha why do you think I went to the Kiss concert anyways?!! hehehe yeah, that and the fact that I was madly in love with this kid in my class who liked Kiss and was going to their concert! ...I know, I know...they haven't died...but they're not in action anymore so it works...but I'll tell ya, when Gene Simons dies then, then it'll be a good conversation piece! Hahaha omg this is so mean! (please note that I'm not wishing for them to die). It's true tho...it's like when you meet someone who saw Queen in concert, how awesome is that?!
Saturday, April 17, 2004
'Every One of us Has in Himself a Continent of Undiscovered Character. Happy is he Who Acts The Columbus to His Own Soul.' -Sir J. Stevens
I've mentioned that I have that attention disorder syndrome (DDA). I took a little test that gave me 50 very unique habits of those with dda, my score was 36 out of 50. I decided that I'll talk a little about each characteristic, probably one per day...it's cool, this way both you and I will get a thorough description of myself! (I hope that won't get too boring!).
They divided the questions under four main topics. I'll start with characteristics from the first topic: Attention instability.
#1: 'Easily deviates his attention from what he's doing, when he receives a little encouragement. A neighbor whistling might be enough to interrupt one's reading time.'
Wow, that is sooo true! I remember during physics and chemistry (subjects which I hated) how hard it was to concentrate, especially on tests. We had two ceiling fans and the one that stood right above my head made this little squeaking continuous sound. Dang that little noise made my life miserable!! ...I flunked almost every test!
When I have to study, read a not so exciting book, pay attention in class, do something that I'm not very fond of in general...it's so easy to just dose off and find myself thinking about something better! Little noises in general stimulate my mind to take off, or sometimes it just causes me to get extremely irritated at it, which is kind of bad cuz then it keeps me from concentrating even when I 'want'/try to.
I got so much work to do but I'm so freaking' lazy!
I've been having weird not so great dreams lately. They've all been related to death (ick!). Last night I dreamt that one of my best friends (who's already passed away) came back from the dead. He even had a number engraved to his wrist (336) which identified him as that certain 'resurrected dead person'...not only that everything in the dream was weird. -The night before I dreamt that my friend from school Bruno died, I can't remember how tho...and last night I dreamt that my friend Carrie, also from school, passed away. In that dream she kind of prepared herself to die...(shaking my head) urgh whatever! Bad dreams bad dreams...blehg! Weirdo...
OK duty calls...I gotta go.
Friday, April 16, 2004
'Unthinking, Idle, Wild, And Young, I Laugh'd And Danc'd And Talk'd And Sung.' -Amelia
College yesterday was a blast! I had so much fun. The teacher who teaches on Thursdays is a really hilarious guy, from the moment you enter that class you're already cracking up! That kinda gets people pumped up to joke, so by the time we're out on a brake we're all just making big fat clowns of ourselves and having the best time together!
Rafa and I get along very well. We're both class clowns, and I'm assuming we both have the attention disorder syndrome thingy...I know I do for a fact and I'm starting to think he does too! He's the funniest guy.
I wonder if I'll ever talk to Tephie again...
There's this Arabic song that was very successful here in Brazil a while back...Well Rafa being the little smarty pants that he is, gets my name and sticks it into that song (since both my name and the song are quite different!), and sings it while he also dances to it, not forgetting to mention the cell phone playing to the same song in the background...it's been the greatest hit of every night...hehehehe fun!
Since everyone was having so much fun together they decided that we should all go out for a drink some night...ya know, come to class and leave in the middle of it...I'm not so sure about that. The idea of leaving college to drink doesn't suit me very well, plus I don't drink (although that doesn't really matter cuz I can just enjoy my time with them and not drink), but even so...I go to college for a reason, and it's not to drink!
Uh-oh, dad didn't deposit the money. He might be getting in trouble for all I know!
Thursday, April 15, 2004
'When You Realize The Value of All Life, You Dwell Less on What is Past And Concentrate More on The Preservation of The Future.' -Dian Fossey
That semi-interview I had was kind of lame. The lady was very nice and stuff but she said that at the moment they weren't looking for supervisors...she got my phone number just in case...
This morning I was awakened by a lady from this English teaching school who wants to interview me. Ha what a coincidence! We scheduled to meet next Monday at 11:00am...geeez I had left my resume there like 6 months ago! Not bad eh?!
These past two days left me in quite a peculiar state of mind! Dad hasn't been paying child care like he should. He first started off by paying less money than he really should, and now, well now this month he didn't pay! -As I've mentioned we've been having financial problems lately and this money makes a big difference...mom when talking to grandy (her mom) mentioned my dad's lack of responsibility, grandy was furious! So she called up our lawyer and told him to take measures. The first thing he did was give my dad a warning, the next step would be sending him to jail...
My dad was furious! He called us back and said a whole bunch of crap...demonstrating the jerk that he really is.
Grandma wants to stick him in jail, and for that to happen they need me to sign the paper...I know that they (mom & grandy) are right and that I should sign the things, but he's my dad and I can't put him in jail! Even if we don't talk, even if he never gave me anything, even if he's a liar, even if he's a jerk, even if he's made me cry, even if it's only a matter of fighting for my rights, even if he's ignorant, even if he doesn't call me on my b-day, even if he's made me wait all day long for him sitting at the door step when I was 4, 5, 6, 7... years old to see him and he didn't show up, even if he's called me fat (I'm just chubby!), even if he doesn't know what my favorite color is... and on and on and on... but the truth is, even if he's an asswhole, he's my f-a-t-h-e-r, father. Dad, papa, papi, padre...
I might be wrong though.
Before, the law here in Brazil used to say that child care had to be given till the child hit its full legal age (21), but last year it changed...the full legal age is now 18 so it's really up to the judge to decide till what age child care is supposed to be provided. -Our judge decided that dad would have to pay child care till I was done with college. Now I'm telling ya...at 21 I'm drawing a line! I don't want his money...I hate this.
Grandy keeps telling me: 'Face it Nashlah, just face it, you don't have a father...you only have his blood and that doesn't make him your daddy!' -Dang, I don't wanna hear it!
That doesn't make me depressed or anything, but it's just all very uncomfortable...it bothers me.
That semi-interview I had was kind of lame. The lady was very nice and stuff but she said that at the moment they weren't looking for supervisors...she got my phone number just in case...
This morning I was awakened by a lady from this English teaching school who wants to interview me. Ha what a coincidence! We scheduled to meet next Monday at 11:00am...geeez I had left my resume there like 6 months ago! Not bad eh?!
These past two days left me in quite a peculiar state of mind! Dad hasn't been paying child care like he should. He first started off by paying less money than he really should, and now, well now this month he didn't pay! -As I've mentioned we've been having financial problems lately and this money makes a big difference...mom when talking to grandy (her mom) mentioned my dad's lack of responsibility, grandy was furious! So she called up our lawyer and told him to take measures. The first thing he did was give my dad a warning, the next step would be sending him to jail...
My dad was furious! He called us back and said a whole bunch of crap...demonstrating the jerk that he really is.
Grandma wants to stick him in jail, and for that to happen they need me to sign the paper...I know that they (mom & grandy) are right and that I should sign the things, but he's my dad and I can't put him in jail! Even if we don't talk, even if he never gave me anything, even if he's a liar, even if he's a jerk, even if he's made me cry, even if it's only a matter of fighting for my rights, even if he's ignorant, even if he doesn't call me on my b-day, even if he's made me wait all day long for him sitting at the door step when I was 4, 5, 6, 7... years old to see him and he didn't show up, even if he's called me fat (I'm just chubby!), even if he doesn't know what my favorite color is... and on and on and on... but the truth is, even if he's an asswhole, he's my f-a-t-h-e-r, father. Dad, papa, papi, padre...
I might be wrong though.
Before, the law here in Brazil used to say that child care had to be given till the child hit its full legal age (21), but last year it changed...the full legal age is now 18 so it's really up to the judge to decide till what age child care is supposed to be provided. -Our judge decided that dad would have to pay child care till I was done with college. Now I'm telling ya...at 21 I'm drawing a line! I don't want his money...I hate this.
Grandy keeps telling me: 'Face it Nashlah, just face it, you don't have a father...you only have his blood and that doesn't make him your daddy!' -Dang, I don't wanna hear it!
That doesn't make me depressed or anything, but it's just all very uncomfortable...it bothers me.
Tuesday, April 13, 2004
'I Have Learned, in Whatsoever State I am In, Therewith to Be Content.' -Saint Paul
Today I'll have to break out of my monotonous routine, I'm having sort of a job interview. At college they have computer labs (duh!), and for these labs they need supervisors...ya know, to keep horny-full-of-hormones-boys from seeing porn during class and stuff like that. Well these supervisors get paid a full scholarship + transport, so I'm gonna try to go for one of those! It's been kinda complicated to pay for college lately so I'll give it a try...
The other day they blocked my code at the entrance door! Dang, how humiliating is that?! Plus, for all I know it's against the law to block someone if they owe some $$. The lady at the front desk in trying to lessen the embarrassing situation said that that was only a technical problem they were having at the moment...yeah right! Too late lady I was already told the problem was $$!
I still haven't paid (they're letting me in though)...I offered to teach English there but they're not interested (how lucky is that?!) So today I'll try the supervising crap...wish me luck.
Monday, April 12, 2004
Peace Is Happiness Digesting. -Victor Hugo
I love that quote! In my opinion it describes me very well (despite the fact that it's not describing a certain something or someone!). Yesterday I went to church, it was ok, truthfully I wasn't in a 'churchy' mood so it felt like it was pretty much a waste of my time. Now, my subconscious tells me it was quality time and this and that, but, yeah whatever...
Mom is quite concerned with our financial situation at this point, and she's got every reason to be worried. We're talking, having a nice conversation like we do every day...she's telling me her plans in trying to solve some problems and some concerns that she's got...I'm just listening, not giving her much feedback I admit it...all of the sudden she starts complaining about my attitude and how I don't care about stuff and this and that and how I'm too calm and yadda yadda yadda. GRRRR! What's wrong with people? Also, what's wrong with being calm? Dang why do people expect you to stress over things? I don't get it...I told her, I worry about stuff (financial situation and crap), but I'm not gonna cry over it...this is how I see it: you have a problem you analyze it, then you face it and see what ya gotta do...not too hard! In fact, much better and faster than having to go through the 'emotional' part of it. All right, sounds too cold putting it in words like that, and besides, I know that some problems are just impossible to deal with like that. Actually, that's not even how I see it! Except for I can't word it so...hmmm we're sticking to that explanation!
Bottom line is: this has been a recurring 'topic' in my life in less than a week! Sheeeesh what's up with that?!!
I love that quote! In my opinion it describes me very well (despite the fact that it's not describing a certain something or someone!). Yesterday I went to church, it was ok, truthfully I wasn't in a 'churchy' mood so it felt like it was pretty much a waste of my time. Now, my subconscious tells me it was quality time and this and that, but, yeah whatever...
Mom is quite concerned with our financial situation at this point, and she's got every reason to be worried. We're talking, having a nice conversation like we do every day...she's telling me her plans in trying to solve some problems and some concerns that she's got...I'm just listening, not giving her much feedback I admit it...all of the sudden she starts complaining about my attitude and how I don't care about stuff and this and that and how I'm too calm and yadda yadda yadda. GRRRR! What's wrong with people? Also, what's wrong with being calm? Dang why do people expect you to stress over things? I don't get it...I told her, I worry about stuff (financial situation and crap), but I'm not gonna cry over it...this is how I see it: you have a problem you analyze it, then you face it and see what ya gotta do...not too hard! In fact, much better and faster than having to go through the 'emotional' part of it. All right, sounds too cold putting it in words like that, and besides, I know that some problems are just impossible to deal with like that. Actually, that's not even how I see it! Except for I can't word it so...hmmm we're sticking to that explanation!
Bottom line is: this has been a recurring 'topic' in my life in less than a week! Sheeeesh what's up with that?!!
Sunday, April 11, 2004
Before yesterday (Apr. 09) I had a little fight slash discussion with Tephie over MSN. It was quite unfortunate and sem pe nem cabeca, well maybe not, it did have some content to it but the way it started...and the way it ended...now, that was quite peculiar in it's own way!
Due to the fact that you have no background info on our situation things might seem a little vague, so i only have one sugestion if this is your case: breathe in, swallow it, and live with it! Much has been said about it already (other blogs & stuff) so i don't feel like putting it in hear. I mean, i decided to start a new blog to get rid of all that old stuff slash feelings so i might as well not bring it here, to avoid further inner conflict! ;)
Let's put our little discussion topic on hold for just a sec. - During the day yesterday (before our little discussion) we (Tephie and I) dropped a few lines over msn...well, i was testing my digital camera on the pc to see if it worked fine as a web cam (which indeed it did!) and i chose Tephie to 'bother' with that since there's always second intentions in my actions when talking to her on msn (those would be: talk about actual stuff that'll get things straight between us.). Anyways, so i was showing her my room and suff like that, but not once i appeared on the camera (i'd feel stupid!), well so then she writes me saying that she wanted to see Cookie. (Cookie is my dog, however, Cookie is also my pseudonym!) Stupid Nashlah here didn't realize that she wanted to see Cookie the Nashlah and not Cookie the dog like i showed her!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! The sad part about this story is that i only got that now! No wonder she wrote: "What was that?!" after i showed her the dog!! hahahaha...oh well, that's me, slow me, silly me...
Phew, now that we got our moods up let's go to the more 'serious' note of this post, our little discussion. I'll just paste part of it here and you can draw your own conclusions out of it, i don't have much to say about it. Although i'd love to hear outside opinions on who was right or not in this whole thing if such conclusions can be drawn from this talk.
It's too long so i'll just show ya the 'tasty meat' portion of it!
Tephie says:
nashlah, i treat u like crap, i'm extremaly bitchy and u keep talking to me. why?
Nashlah says:
uh-oh cornered...
Nashlah says:
after giving it some thought (15 sec) i reach the following concluison: i dont know why
Nashlah says:
i enjoyed talking to you, and i lost that...i notice your lack of will to talk to me...but i'm stubborn i'll give it a try to see if things have changed
Tephie says:
and how does that make YOU feel?
Nashlah says:
unless you don't want me too...and then you just tell me and i'll be fine
Nashlah says:
not very good at all. but it makes me feel worse to know that i dont have a friend to talk to anymore
Nashlah says:
but the again if thats how you want it to be tell me
Tephie says:
nash, dont be do freaking passive
Tephie says:
if your mad at me, which you should be, let me know, or hate or do somehting
Nashlah says:
i'll stop talking...bothering...i'll take you out of my list if you dont wanna see me online anymore
Tephie says:
dont just pretend u're okay!
Nashlah says:
i'm not pretending...this is who i am
Tephie says:
thats not what i'm talking about
Nashlah says:
it hurts
Tephie says:
i dont mind tlaking to you
Tephie says:
u cant just let pp toss u around
Nashlah says:
just because i don't react to a certain something in anger doesnt mean i'm being tossed around
Tephie says:
ok, if u feel that way then its ok
Nashlah says:
and if you dont mind talking to e then wh do you treat me like crap like you've said?
Tephie says:
b/c i wanna see u REACT
Nashlah says:
sorry you wont...i'm not the explosive type...i keep feelings inside...some say it's a flaw
Tephie says:
sorry
Nashlah says:
for what?
Tephie says:
for u being so freaking passive
Nashlah says:
it's like i should feel guilt for being calm and peaceful, makes no sense to me
Tephie says:
ure not calm and peaceful
Tephie says:
u're in denial
Nashlah says:
expand please
Tephie says:
u dont react, and it call me calmness, but its actually fear, denial, whatever u wanna call it
Tephie says:
and u call it calmness
Nashlah says:
fear, denial of what and based on what do you say that?
Tephie says:
based on what u do or say
Tephie says:
i've spent time with you, i kinda know how you work
Nashlah says:
nope, sorry i 'fear' (get that? ) you might be wrong
Nashlah says:
you've never seen me explode have ya and you've tried haven't ya?
Tephie says:
i dont want u to explode
Tephie says:
i want u to bee honest with your feelings
Nashlah says:
but i am honest...if you ask me how i feel i'll answer bam bam bam
Nashlah says:
on the other hand if you say something that hurts i'll only let ya know it if you ask...of if it's freaking hurting so much that i'll have to bring myself to open up
Tephie says:
ok
Nashlah says:
not like you've changed your mind...
Tephie says:
not like you've changed yours
Nashlah says:
i have'nt
Nashlah says:
its been bugging me tremendously how we cant talk for what seems to be ever, but i was starting to get used to it now...except for today you brought it up...
Nashlah says:
and then i'm the one being thrown around for coping and trying to get things right as friends...when i really i can never really know how you feel
Tephie says:
see that is good
Tephie says:
that isnt passive
Tephie says:
that isnt 'how many fingers do u have'
Nashlah says:
no it is...where is my web cam? you'd see my face...i'm not angry i'm disapopinted
Tephie says:
who said anything about angry and disappointed?
Nashlah says:
i cant connect your thoughts
Nashlah says:
or wait...tell me if i'm wrong...do you want me to ask you how you feel, that's it?
Tephie says:
no
Nashlah says:
then what?
Tephie says:
i want u to be honest with yourself, but if u think u already are, which u do, then fine. i rest my case
Nashlah says:
it seems like there was something else beyond 'being honest with myself'...
Tephie says:
sorry there wasnt
Nashlah says:
asking me why i talk to you doesn't demonstrate much care about the honesty within me!
Tephie says:
what?
Nashlah says:
you wrote: nashlah, i treat u like crap, i'm extremaly bitchy and u keep talking to me. why?...that doesn't look like you're worried about my well-being!
Nashlah says:
so why do you treat me like crap would be the most appropriate question?
Tephie says:
we're not analyzing me here
Tephie says:
cuz i wanna see what happens
Nashlah says:
yeah but then again that might hurt. and how in vain was that question?
Tephie says:
the questions might hurt, but the fact that im being a bitch doesnt?
Nashlah says:
no not the questions and not the bitching...the attitude
Nashlah says:
i think it's not about analyzing, it's about knowing and understanding. Not about guessing and playing the shrink
Nashlah says:
not like that at least.
Tephie says:
well nashlah, sorry if i hurt your feelings
Tephie says:
u guess i didnt know u had it
Nashlah says:
oh come on, what was that?
Tephie says:
what
Nashlah says:
"u guess i didnt know u had it" - you just contradicted all that you've said for the last what? 10 minutes... if you didn't know i had feelings how did you care about my me being honest with myself and bla bla bla in the first place?
Tephie says:
u act like u are the ice queen
Nashlah says:
ok i don't wanna take this to a lower level...whatever you say (oh gee i'm being thrown around!)...i just hate having had this conversation the way it went. All i'd like to know is why? why this disatisfaction, anger, frustration whatveer...what did i do...what can i do to turn things over?
Tephie says:
nothing, and i cant either
Nashlah says:
too poetic, that can't be true...something is still bothering you, what is it?
Tephie says:
this whole thing sucks
Nashlah says:
what thing?
Tephie says:
all this
Nashlah says:
all this 'us in general' or all this 'this talk'?
Tephie says:
both
Nashlah says:
the talk will end eventualy...us, well...it'll be an ongoing event if we cant come to conclusions on what's been bugging you/me, and what's been keeping the 'thickness' in the air...
Nashlah says:
but i think we've said enough for now, and i gotta go mom is bothering me...dude despite the unfortunate talk, it's good stuff to get things straight (i think at least)...write me an e-mail to end this or just dont, whatever you decide.
Nashlah says:
Bye-bye.
Tephie says:
bye
Due to the fact that you have no background info on our situation things might seem a little vague, so i only have one sugestion if this is your case: breathe in, swallow it, and live with it! Much has been said about it already (other blogs & stuff) so i don't feel like putting it in hear. I mean, i decided to start a new blog to get rid of all that old stuff slash feelings so i might as well not bring it here, to avoid further inner conflict! ;)
Let's put our little discussion topic on hold for just a sec. - During the day yesterday (before our little discussion) we (Tephie and I) dropped a few lines over msn...well, i was testing my digital camera on the pc to see if it worked fine as a web cam (which indeed it did!) and i chose Tephie to 'bother' with that since there's always second intentions in my actions when talking to her on msn (those would be: talk about actual stuff that'll get things straight between us.). Anyways, so i was showing her my room and suff like that, but not once i appeared on the camera (i'd feel stupid!), well so then she writes me saying that she wanted to see Cookie. (Cookie is my dog, however, Cookie is also my pseudonym!) Stupid Nashlah here didn't realize that she wanted to see Cookie the Nashlah and not Cookie the dog like i showed her!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! The sad part about this story is that i only got that now! No wonder she wrote: "What was that?!" after i showed her the dog!! hahahaha...oh well, that's me, slow me, silly me...
Phew, now that we got our moods up let's go to the more 'serious' note of this post, our little discussion. I'll just paste part of it here and you can draw your own conclusions out of it, i don't have much to say about it. Although i'd love to hear outside opinions on who was right or not in this whole thing if such conclusions can be drawn from this talk.
It's too long so i'll just show ya the 'tasty meat' portion of it!
Tephie says:
nashlah, i treat u like crap, i'm extremaly bitchy and u keep talking to me. why?
Nashlah says:
uh-oh cornered...
Nashlah says:
after giving it some thought (15 sec) i reach the following concluison: i dont know why
Nashlah says:
i enjoyed talking to you, and i lost that...i notice your lack of will to talk to me...but i'm stubborn i'll give it a try to see if things have changed
Tephie says:
and how does that make YOU feel?
Nashlah says:
unless you don't want me too...and then you just tell me and i'll be fine
Nashlah says:
not very good at all. but it makes me feel worse to know that i dont have a friend to talk to anymore
Nashlah says:
but the again if thats how you want it to be tell me
Tephie says:
nash, dont be do freaking passive
Tephie says:
if your mad at me, which you should be, let me know, or hate or do somehting
Nashlah says:
i'll stop talking...bothering...i'll take you out of my list if you dont wanna see me online anymore
Tephie says:
dont just pretend u're okay!
Nashlah says:
i'm not pretending...this is who i am
Tephie says:
thats not what i'm talking about
Nashlah says:
it hurts
Tephie says:
i dont mind tlaking to you
Tephie says:
u cant just let pp toss u around
Nashlah says:
just because i don't react to a certain something in anger doesnt mean i'm being tossed around
Tephie says:
ok, if u feel that way then its ok
Nashlah says:
and if you dont mind talking to e then wh do you treat me like crap like you've said?
Tephie says:
b/c i wanna see u REACT
Nashlah says:
sorry you wont...i'm not the explosive type...i keep feelings inside...some say it's a flaw
Tephie says:
sorry
Nashlah says:
for what?
Tephie says:
for u being so freaking passive
Nashlah says:
it's like i should feel guilt for being calm and peaceful, makes no sense to me
Tephie says:
ure not calm and peaceful
Tephie says:
u're in denial
Nashlah says:
expand please
Tephie says:
u dont react, and it call me calmness, but its actually fear, denial, whatever u wanna call it
Tephie says:
and u call it calmness
Nashlah says:
fear, denial of what and based on what do you say that?
Tephie says:
based on what u do or say
Tephie says:
i've spent time with you, i kinda know how you work
Nashlah says:
nope, sorry i 'fear' (get that? ) you might be wrong
Nashlah says:
you've never seen me explode have ya and you've tried haven't ya?
Tephie says:
i dont want u to explode
Tephie says:
i want u to bee honest with your feelings
Nashlah says:
but i am honest...if you ask me how i feel i'll answer bam bam bam
Nashlah says:
on the other hand if you say something that hurts i'll only let ya know it if you ask...of if it's freaking hurting so much that i'll have to bring myself to open up
Tephie says:
ok
Nashlah says:
not like you've changed your mind...
Tephie says:
not like you've changed yours
Nashlah says:
i have'nt
Nashlah says:
its been bugging me tremendously how we cant talk for what seems to be ever, but i was starting to get used to it now...except for today you brought it up...
Nashlah says:
and then i'm the one being thrown around for coping and trying to get things right as friends...when i really i can never really know how you feel
Tephie says:
see that is good
Tephie says:
that isnt passive
Tephie says:
that isnt 'how many fingers do u have'
Nashlah says:
no it is...where is my web cam? you'd see my face...i'm not angry i'm disapopinted
Tephie says:
who said anything about angry and disappointed?
Nashlah says:
i cant connect your thoughts
Nashlah says:
or wait...tell me if i'm wrong...do you want me to ask you how you feel, that's it?
Tephie says:
no
Nashlah says:
then what?
Tephie says:
i want u to be honest with yourself, but if u think u already are, which u do, then fine. i rest my case
Nashlah says:
it seems like there was something else beyond 'being honest with myself'...
Tephie says:
sorry there wasnt
Nashlah says:
asking me why i talk to you doesn't demonstrate much care about the honesty within me!
Tephie says:
what?
Nashlah says:
you wrote: nashlah, i treat u like crap, i'm extremaly bitchy and u keep talking to me. why?...that doesn't look like you're worried about my well-being!
Nashlah says:
so why do you treat me like crap would be the most appropriate question?
Tephie says:
we're not analyzing me here
Tephie says:
cuz i wanna see what happens
Nashlah says:
yeah but then again that might hurt. and how in vain was that question?
Tephie says:
the questions might hurt, but the fact that im being a bitch doesnt?
Nashlah says:
no not the questions and not the bitching...the attitude
Nashlah says:
i think it's not about analyzing, it's about knowing and understanding. Not about guessing and playing the shrink
Nashlah says:
not like that at least.
Tephie says:
well nashlah, sorry if i hurt your feelings
Tephie says:
u guess i didnt know u had it
Nashlah says:
oh come on, what was that?
Tephie says:
what
Nashlah says:
"u guess i didnt know u had it" - you just contradicted all that you've said for the last what? 10 minutes... if you didn't know i had feelings how did you care about my me being honest with myself and bla bla bla in the first place?
Tephie says:
u act like u are the ice queen
Nashlah says:
ok i don't wanna take this to a lower level...whatever you say (oh gee i'm being thrown around!)...i just hate having had this conversation the way it went. All i'd like to know is why? why this disatisfaction, anger, frustration whatveer...what did i do...what can i do to turn things over?
Tephie says:
nothing, and i cant either
Nashlah says:
too poetic, that can't be true...something is still bothering you, what is it?
Tephie says:
this whole thing sucks
Nashlah says:
what thing?
Tephie says:
all this
Nashlah says:
all this 'us in general' or all this 'this talk'?
Tephie says:
both
Nashlah says:
the talk will end eventualy...us, well...it'll be an ongoing event if we cant come to conclusions on what's been bugging you/me, and what's been keeping the 'thickness' in the air...
Nashlah says:
but i think we've said enough for now, and i gotta go mom is bothering me...dude despite the unfortunate talk, it's good stuff to get things straight (i think at least)...write me an e-mail to end this or just dont, whatever you decide.
Nashlah says:
Bye-bye.
Tephie says:
bye
New Blog! I got tired of that last one, decided to get myself a new one. It's also valid to mention that as weird as it might sound that blog didn't do me much good. For the past 6 months I've been on a downer and I can finally say that I'm recovering from it. Not 100% 'cured' but satisfactory enough...taking that in consideration I'd like to start from scratch. That blog also came in a time of strong feelings, hard to get over feelings...not yet forgotten feelings, not that I ever want to forget those feelings, but instead, 'store 'em in this little box back in my heart and only pull 'em out when I say so (As opposed to what usually happens!)'.
It's kinda hard to leave my old blog, but oh well. What's the toughest to face/do in my opinion, is stop reading the blogs that I fervently read everyday. I decided that for the same reason I chose to have a new blog I'd stop reading my day-to-day read blogs...not sure if that'll work tho, I've been working on it, I'll tell ya that.
It's interesting how some things slash feelings are just so hard for me to share slash write even to unknown cyber people. There's so much in me right now that I'd like to spill out together with the few things written up there, but that I just can't...there's always this little voice in the back of my head that even if I'm writing to an existing nonexistent reality (internet), I should keep a foot in my mouth. Go figure!
It's kinda hard to leave my old blog, but oh well. What's the toughest to face/do in my opinion, is stop reading the blogs that I fervently read everyday. I decided that for the same reason I chose to have a new blog I'd stop reading my day-to-day read blogs...not sure if that'll work tho, I've been working on it, I'll tell ya that.
It's interesting how some things slash feelings are just so hard for me to share slash write even to unknown cyber people. There's so much in me right now that I'd like to spill out together with the few things written up there, but that I just can't...there's always this little voice in the back of my head that even if I'm writing to an existing nonexistent reality (internet), I should keep a foot in my mouth. Go figure!
